Modest is Hottest? The Revealing Truth
Women and girls are more than just bodies. But you wouldn’t know that if you looked to media, or even sometimes well-meaning religious rhetoric, for the truth about females. And you wouldn’t know that if you listened to the way so many of us discuss the topic of appropriate dress, or “modesty,” today. We are growing up and growing older surrounded by profit-driven media’s fixation on bodies – from “Perfect Your Parts, Perfect Your Life!” billboards to always-Photoshopped magazines and TV obsessed with judging what women wear and how much cellulite they have. In an inescapable media world that pans up and down women’s bodies and focuses so much attention on their parts, no wonder girls learn to display their bodies as something to be looked at. No wonder girls learn to survey their bodies at all times, and in all things they are wearing, and in all places they are going.
Today in many circles, issues of female “modesty” are very popular. From many religions’ focus on appropriate dress to schools having rules on how high above the knee girls’ shorts can and can’t be or how much bare shoulder is too much – modesty is a trending topic. Fashion boutiques have names like “Sexy Modest” and “Modest is Hottest!” is a popular phrase endorsing full-coverage clothing. While reasons for suggesting modesty vary greatly, we at Beauty Redefined can attest that far too much emphasis is being placed on arbitrary standards that are harming females from a very young age and keeping us fixated on females as bodies alone.
From a research-driven point of view, there is power in modesty. Many cultures and religions echo that sentiment to varying degrees — that covering up your parts is crucial to respecting bodies, which are viewed as sacred. Regardless of your spiritual orientation, an open discussion about modesty from the perspective of our research can get us somewhere much more powerful and valuable than the shallow “modest is hottest” mentality so prevalent today. Here’s the truth you can stand behind:
We are more than bodies to be looked at. Self-objectification is an epidemic among females today, as Lexie’s PhD research can attest, and it keeps females “in their place” as bodies in need of constant preoccupation and perfection. It takes place when we internalize an outsider’s perspective of ourselves. We literally picture ourselves being looked at as we go throughout our days, and research shows it gets in the way of everything we do. Everything. When we have to accomplish a task while also thinking about what we look like while doing it, we’re at a major disadvantage.
When we live “to be looked at,” self-conscious of our bodies, we are left with fewer mental and physical resources to do what can really bring happiness. We perform worse on math tests, logical reasoning tests, athletic performance, we have lower sexual assertiveness (including the ability to say “no” when needed), and we are left unfulfilled and unhappy. When we self-objectify, which is the norm today for little girls all the way up to older women, disordered eating and cosmetic surgery procedures increase, we stop raising our hands in class, and we quit pursuits of math and science degrees at greater rates. We experience immense body shame, anxiety and depression, and fixate on our bodies enough that we never get on to the great things we can and should be doing.* Girls and women LOSE — and so do the men all around us — when we fixate on bodies.
Many discussions of modesty, from diverse cultural or religious perspectives, revolve around the idea of keeping sinful and unholy female bodies and body parts from the gaze of others — particularly men. This privileges the male gaze, in a backward sort of way, and puts females at a disadvantage for being the ones in control of what others think or feel when seeing their bodies. When we speak of modesty strictly in terms of covering our bodies from the sexual gaze of others, we are keeping the level of discourse at the shallow waters of women and girls as bodies alone. We have very little control of what other people think when they look at us. If we are teaching the girls in our lives that the primary objective of modesty is to keep themselves covered so boys and men don’t think sexual thoughts about them, then we are teaching girls they are responsible for other peoples’ thoughts and they are primarily sexual objects in need of covering. No girl or woman’s body is sinful, and no one should be taught that. Modesty, as an ideal, can be about so much more than shaming females into covering up.
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Modesty can be a powerful concept when we believe we are more than bodies. And when you believe you are more than a body – that you are capable of more than being looked at and you can do more than work on perfecting your parts – then you might dress differently than someone who perceives her value comes from her appearance, or the amount of attention she gets from men. Someone who sees herself as a capable and powerful person with a body that can help her achieve great things might act differently than someone who exists solely to look “hot.” She’ll treat her body differently and think about it differently. If you believe your power comes from your words, your unique contributions, your mind, your service, then you don’t need to seek attention and power by emphasizing your parts and minimizing yourself to your body.
If modesty is a concept you subscribe to, there is great power in changing the modesty conversation from what you LOOK like to others to what you FEEL like inside. Studies on the epidemic of self-objectification show us that “clothing represents an important contributor to the body and emotional experience of contemporary young women” because body-bearing clothing leads to greater states of self-objectification, body shame, body dissatisfaction, and negative mood (the latest study of this kind was just published in May 2012’s Sex Roles academic journal)**. What this tells us (and what our own experience living in female bodies tells us is a no-brainer) is that when we wear clothing that is revealing or emphasizing our parts, we become very self-aware of those parts that are being looked at. We self-objectify and are in a near-constant state of adjusting our clothing, fixating on what we look like, and looking at other people looking at us. It’s OK to like being looked at, and even to like attention from others for our looks, but if it’s getting in the way of progress, happiness, and health — as so much research confirms that it is — we’ve got to move on to being more than an object to be looked at. Research shows a level of modesty can be an important tool in safe-guarding ourselves and our daughters from being in a constant state of self-objectification.
We see why suggestions regarding the length of hemlines and the depth of necklines are important because we live in a sexual world where even the youngest of girls are sexualized to an extreme degree and they are told their “sexiness” will bring them popularity, love, and happiness. Studies show girls as young as 6 years old are sexualizing themselves because media messages show them being sexy yields rewards (a July 2012 study in Sex Roles reveals the latest). As we‘ve written about before, even girls’ TOYS and cartoon characters are sexualized to the extreme these days. But when we fixate on the inches showing we are missing the point. When we judge girls and women for the skin they are or are not showing, we are minimizing them to their bodies and repeating the same lies that females are only bodies in need of judgment and fixing. We are even perpetuating the shame-inducing belief that female bodies are sinful and impure, and must be covered to protect boys and men who can’t be held responsible for their thoughts or actions.
Modesty is defined differently by different cultures – even different families – and it’s time to stop shaming people into covering themselves and start teaching truths that need shouted from the rooftop: We are capable of much more than being looked at! We are more than bodies. When we begin believing that, we begin acting like it, and female progress in every imaginable way will move forward. We will spend less money on cosmetic surgery (up 500% in the last decade with 92% of the surgeries performed on women) and every other product we need to “fix” our flaws. We will spend less time minimizing and obsessing over our insecurities beneath our clothes. We will spend less time emphasizing and obsessing over our favorite parts on display in our clothes. We will perform better academically, athletically, and in our careers. We will love other women more because we will not be judging them as bodies. We will feel greater self-love, happiness, and power to live authentically chosen lives. We will pass along all of these powerful truths to the little girls growing up in an increasingly sexualized world.
Please pass this along. Let’s change the conversation currently steeped in the negativism of “cover yourself” to “you are capable of so much more than being looked at” and positive, powerful outcomes will follow.
{Beauty Redefined is now an official nonprofit organization, the Beauty Redefined Foundation! All donations and purchases made of our body-positive merchandise are tax-deductible and support our work to take back beauty for females everywhere through this website and our regular speaking engagements. We are grateful for every penny! Please check out our products or make a donation of any amount HERE. We love you!}
*For a comprehensive list of self-objectification’s many negative consequences, see the American Psychological Association’s Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls.
**Tiggemann, M. & Andrew, R. (2012). Clothes Make a Difference: The Role of Self-Objectification. Sex Roles. Vol. 66 Issue 9/10, p646
A guy will find it much easier to see a woman as a whole person when she dresses modestly. It coveys an essence of quiet confidence, respect and strength since her self-worth comes from within instead of being inexorably tied to an unhealthy over emphasis on sexuality.
There’s nothing shameful about dressing frilly or being feminine. The problem is when there is a lack of balance resulting in either over-sexualization, or false shame and doubt which can lead to women being covered completely up as it is with some cultures.
In similarity to this fine article, author Wendy Shalit also makes some good points in her book, “A Return to Modesty” I hope we can insulate our girls and boys from our unhealthy, over-sexualized culture and affirm healthy views of themselves and human sexuality…They’re certainly not going to get it from the movies and pop-culture.
Steve, with respect, I think that your comment betrays you have not fully internalized the message in this article, which encourages us to stop evaluating women based on what they are wearing. Your opening sentence is quite revealing (no pun intended): “A guy will find it much easier to see a woman as a whole person when she dresses modestly.” The thing is, all women are always whole people, no matter how they are dressed. It’s just as much the viewer’s responsibility to stop reducing the other person to an object as it is the subject’s responsibility to make sure they are not attempting to objectifying themselves.
I couldn’t agree more with Maddie’s tenets and the basic postulates of this well written article. Like what was already stated, a woman (or anyone for that matter), has inherent value as a compete person regardless of what they wear or their status in life. In the ideal world, a woman could potentially walk down the street wearing anything since her self-worth is not derived from her clothing.
Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect, overly-sexualized world where people are evaluated based on their appearance. Whether we want to admit it or not, everyone makes subconscious judgments about people even at first glance. These are rooted in such factors as: Age, race, social class, religion, gender, and many more. Based upon these culturally derived paradigms, we come to expect a person to act, speak and behave in a particular way based on certain social constructs.
Is it fair? No. But it is something we contend with. It grieves me that many girls are basing their self-worth and identity on an unrealistic and unhealthy cultural view of sexuality…An over-sexualization which has the potential to harm even a boy’s healthy development and view of women as well.
Reinforcing the stereotypes and unhealthy beliefs propagated by pop culture and media through what we wear will serve to only foster inequalities and perpetuate maladaptive behaviors. There is no shame or any one person to blame, but in order to refute these misconceptions everyone has a responsibility to dress in a way that demonstrates the self-respect and inherent value we already possess.
If we where to be honest, women know how to dress to get a man’s attention in a sexual way. To then go on say it is entirely a man’s fault for noticing this overt sexuality ignores all cultural constructs and socialization, in addition to male biology. Are you aware that science has shown the male brain is more prone to be affected by visual sexualized stimuli? True, a man has no excuse if he victimizes someone…It is never a woman’s fault. However, the relationship to perception between men and women is reciprocal.
In this manner, dressing proactively is like placing the cookie jar in front of a child and then blaming the child for staring at the jar and getting hungry for a cookie. In essence, all of us – men and women carry at least some responsibility and must work together to fight gender inequality. The only real shame or blame is on those who refuse to unite for this common and very worth while goal.
Well said Steve! One of my greatest frustrations is reading/hearing women ‘male bash’ in an effort to move ‘forward’ in a feminist way (of course the bashing of ANYONE is equally frustrating). I’m a feminist in the sense of the Susan B Anthony tradition and find most modern feminist movements going in a direction I have little interest in.
“The only real shame or blame is on those who refuse to unite for this common and very worth while goal.”
This sums it up perfectly in my opinion wether male or female. When we stop making any of it about women vs men or vice versa and focus on uniting in our advocacy of investing in EVERYONE’S inherent worth, THEN we will see the changes needed!
Steve this is wrong and you completely missed the point of the article. Women have 0 responsibility for the actions of men period. Just as the cookie jar is not responsible for a child’s behavior.
In other words, you can look and you can have feelings but being civil or humane means you can’t act on your urges if it violates another person’s boundaries (such as killing when you’re angry).
Why can’t I edit comments? As I keep reading your post it’s appalling how much you missed. First of all, biology is no excuse to kill or rape. “Male biology” is simply a scapegoat for rape and telling women to dress a certain way
Oh so close Steve, but I’m afraid your analogy is just wrong. First off, men aren’t children, and I wish men would stop insulting themselves by saying so. I know many adult men who are much more capable of controlling their thoughts now, than they were when they were children. Second, women aren’t objects, so it was very poor to compare us to a cookie jar.
A MUCH more appropriate analogy would be that it’s like someone with a love of chocolate chip cookies not paying attention to the conversation that they are having with a person who is holding a chocolate chip cookie, because they are too busy looking at the cookie, thinking about the cookie, perhaps even considering ways to obtain the cookie. Whether asking politely, tricking, or stealing the root issue is that this person cares more about the cookie then the person talking. Focusing on stopping that type of attitude is just as important as stopping other people from feeling like they need wave cookies in front of people’s faces in order to obtain a relationship.
Courtney, you’re a genius. I LOVE that “person holding the cookie” analogy. Brilliant. And I’m going to share it on FB. This is such an important conversation. I don’t know you, but I love you! :)
“Are you aware that science has shown the male brain is more prone to be affected by visual sexualized stimuli?”
Actually, there are several studies showing that women’s brains are just as affected by visual sexualized simuli as men’s brains. It’s just that women are less likely to report it because society looks down on sexual women, (calling them “sluts” for example).
These studies that didn’t require women to report with words, used certain tools/machines instead, which ended up showing that women’s bodies were affected and aroused the same amount as men’s bodies were.
What Maddie means here by “the subject is not objectifying themself” is that they’re not harming themselves by defining themselves by their appearance or attire, and NOT that they will somehow magically predict and prevent a predator from approaching them.
If a man can’t see me as a “whole person” or take me seriously because I’m showing a bit of cleavage or shoulder, he isn’t someone I care to associate with and the problem lies with him, not me. I think walking into a room with good posture and a smile on my face, making eye contact with the people I encounter is a show of confidence and strength, no matter what I’m wearing. Also, I hate the word “modesty” because I think the religious climate in my home state has worn it out. I prefer the term “classy.” :)
I completely agree, Natalie. If we are to redefine “beauty,” let’s also redefine “modest,” to mean what it originally meant – humility in our manner, interactions, and, perhaps least of all, dress. Modesty is a concept that has very little to do with hemlines at its core.
And one more thing! There is nothing inherently sexual or impure about our knees or shoulders, and indeed, in some cultures to mere glimpse of an ankle is enough to provide ammunition for sexualized male gaze. So, let’s not make the mistake of thinking that modesty is a prescribed dress code, immutable across time and geography, the violation of which guarantees the ogling of then men around us. Not to mention the fact that all of the men I know and love are perfectly able to control themselves around women dressed in any variety of ways – even at the beach, where most women are wearing next to nothing at all. What a thought.
Liffey, this was great. Thanks for articulating such a well thought out response!
Let’s be realistic. We would all like to not notice what people are wearing (or what they are not wearing), but it’s human nature to notice and make some kind of judgement, hopefully kind. It has nothing to do with money.
Maybe I’m old (40), but I’ve never seen so much cleavage in my life. Just going to a hometown days carnival. It’s embarrassing. I’m no prude, but it seems popular for women to dress as prostitutes nowadays. Unfortunately, that’s what available at the stores. We’ve been conditioned to accept that.
No one’s saying that we should wear burkas. But I know I feel more comfortable and confident in modest, classy, flattering clothes. Tight clothes are not pretty.
Throughout history (until very recently) royalty wore lots of clothing. Servants and slaves wore scanty clothing. And I’m raising little princesses, not second-city specials.
Yes, women will keep dressing immodestly–it’s a verified addiction–and will keep getting offended when they get unwanted advances from men. But what are these poor men to think? Be realistic.
Agree Heidi, well put!
Seeing cleavage bothered me when I was younger but I think that was because I was also very ashamed of my own body as my parents had conditioned me to be. I was taught I had to keep covered from shoulders to knees, often at the expense of my own comfort or preference, because any show of skin would be considered a sexual invitation. I know my parents were doing the best they knew, but the way they taught me modesty only perpetuated the worldview that women’s bodies are nothing but sex objects. I learned that’s all my body was, and I judged others accordingly too. I always thought of a show of skin on others as a cry for sexual attention (and sadly, I’m sure my brothers picked up on that concept, too). I’m so glad that I don’t view my body that way any more! I think having kids helped. I now appreciate my body for all the things that it does, including bear and nurse children, house an analytical mind, physical labor, and serve as a vehicle for a joyful life experience. I think I’m able to appreciate other’s bodies in the same way because of the healthier way that I now view my own body.
What we wear does affect what others think of us, and in a lot of cultures cleavage is thought of as obscene, which is why I dress conservatively in a conservative community, as much for my own protection as not to offend anyone. And I would not be offended if a man were to compliment my looks, but would be offended if he put his hands on me or made overtly sexual remarks. But I’m so glad there are people and communities who teach their sons and daughters that bodies (breasts included) can be sexy, but are not solely sexual, and not to automatically perceive them that way on others. In past cultures where ankles stayed covered, men were conditioned to have a sexual response to seeing bare ankles. In communities where breastfeeding is done in the open for convenience and comfort, men have little to no sexual response to seeing cleavage, and children as well as adults are not embarrassed by the sight of breasts because it’s natural to them. I think this shows that it’s possible for us to teach our boys (who will become men) that skin, while beautiful, does not always equal an invitation for sexual advances.
Wow Heidi you also missed the point, I think it’s quite embarrassing for a woman to side with the perpetrators that are making unwanted advances to women and then to call them “poor men”. No woman no matter how they dress deserves to be objectified or harassed. There is much victim blaming going on here.
No, Heidi and Steve are not wrong or missing the point, they are just pointing out other important aspects of this debate. The issue is more complex than the perpetrator-victim perspective reveals, and it is lovely to hear other views.
I believe both women and men tend to be equally confused in how to navigate this issue. There are many a woman that dress in a certain way because she (thinks she) wants sexual attention, and expects a man to give feed back on that – otherwise she might feel undervalued. To a male it can be very confusing – he may try to be friendly and show appreciation in a non-sexist way, but still it is taken as an insult. Many of my male friends have expressed frustration at this. “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
When I realized this, it made me feel more compassionate towards men. Many of them are fed up with women continually valuing themselves mostly on their looks and expecting men to play along, and are just waiting for us to see that we are complete, complex, wonderful beings. It made me relax and think less on my apperarance, made more forthright in my dealings with men and I have stopped completely to dress to impress. I dress the way I do because it feels good. And when a male friend compliment my look, I know that it is heartfelt and not because he thinks it is expected of him.
It is an inescapable fact that one person feels attraction (sexual and otherwise) to other human beings. The key is HOW to express this attraction. I believe that with dialogue, women and men can agree on ways to express it in a way that is wholesome for both parties.
I LOVE this post, and I love what you two are doing with your research and this blog. I work with our church’s young women’s group, and always feel a real twinge of annoyance when we teach lessons on modesty and sexuality. It’s the same feeling that I felt when I was a teenager and got the same lessons. I don’t even want to dress immodestly (quite the opposite), but there was/is something about the way it is often presented that really rubs me the wrong way, and you did an excellent job at putting these feelings into words for me.
Jeanette, I appreciated this take on it. I think it’s in alignment with the message of the Kites’ article. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2005/10/to-young-women?lang=eng&query
This post is amazing!
Growing up in a church always preaching modesty, I always wanted to be modest. But once people started saying that I needed to cover myself to keep boys in check, I became very insecure. In high school, I had a very large chest on a tiny frame. I KNEW I was always being looked at. I even had a member of the volleyball team, a female, tell me they discussed my boobs on a volleyball trip because they were so large. I had many boys, religious and nonreligious, tell me they loved my boobs. Boys that I had just met would ask me if I would make out with them, and some even offered sex. I was so confused and felt so awful about myself. What could I be doing to cause these things if I was dressing modestly? After someone assaulted me, I knew I had to change and began to wear large, frumpy clothing to try to hide my dominating features, stopped wearing make up, and stopped doing my hair. No matter what I did, I felt like I was causing people to think immoral thoughts.
It wasn’t until I met my husband years later that things changed. He told me that, no matter what, people would always look at me. I COULD NOT CHANGE WHAT THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME OR THE ACTIONS THEY TOOK. He told me I should not be responsible for that. He reminded me that I was more than my body, and my focus and confidence should be based on what I can do and who I can be, not in how I look.
One day, I will have daughters that may or may not receive my genetics. But I don’t want them to feel the way I did because of the way modesty was taught to me. I want them to know they they are capable of much more than being look at.
Thanks again!
Alice, you could be telling my life story.
Also, I would be interested to know how to teach boys about the subject of modesty. How would you do that?
Tell them not to sag their jeans
I think it is important to note that modesty is subjective. Observe the many different religious views of modesty, Islam, Sihks, Mormons, Protestants… all have different views on what is considered to modest and many still have the same reason- to prevent immoral thoughts/actions of a man… I agree modesty needs to be re-examined and all people held accountable for their own thoughts and actions. Lets not play the blame game nor reduce each other to objectification.
This is perhaps a very difficult topic to really answer. On the one hand there perhaps is too much focus on either what women look like, or the somewhat ridiculous assumption that sexual attraction is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing a woman is wearing. Moreover, if we go down that route, we’ll end up being counter-productive- what does a woman covered from head to foot, face included, do for seeing a woman as a human being? Often, too, it’s what someone is showing, or not showing, that matters- it would be better, in my view, to be partly or mostly naked than to something that appears deliberately to tempt, but not to reveal entirely. Many a wrong thought can come as a result, and I speak from experience.
On the same hand, of course, is if in focussing attention on what the woman is wearing and not on the thoughts of the man. We men are as much to blame for not keeping a check on ourselves or allowing the wrong thought patterns to develop- or deliberately thinking or acting in an improper manner.
On the other hand if we ignore that fact that how one dresses doesen’t affect how people see us, and that particularly dressing in a sexually suggestive way isn’t going to focus the attention of men on that aspect of a woman to the detriment of others, we are just as much deluding ourselves. There is some effect, even if it’s limited. And we mustn’t igonre that some women may do this deliberately for whatever reason- and I don’t exactly countenance that. (I don’t speak of what gois on in the bedrooms of married couples and neither one partner is using the other- but outside of that it could be misleading, manipulative, or part of the sort of sexual relations that aren’t appropriate. Yes, I do believe sex is meant for marriage, not outside it- you may disagree but I stand by that.)
It’s also important to note “modesty” as a term isn’t really used in a strictly sexual way in the Bible. consider one passage:
“In the same way, that women also adorn themselves in decent clothing, with modesty and propriety; not just with braided hair, gold, pearls, or expensive clothing; but (which becomes women professing godliness) with good works.” (1 Tim 2:9-10).
Here the emphasis is not so much on sexuality as adornments suchas clothing, jewellry, fancy hairdos and so on- this is actually more about not showing off externally, a theme running throughout the Bible, and applying as much to men. Jesus had as much to say about the (male) Pharisees who did similarly:
But all their works they do to be seen of men: for they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the borders of their garments, (Matt. 23:5 ASV). [What is referred to has to do with garments mandated by the Mosaic Law, and these guys were showing how “holy” they were by showing them off. Not necessarily to do with ideals of beauty, but same principle- outward appearances can be deceptive.)
The apostle Paul in 1 Timothy seems to be using examples of things what might easily denote wealth or status, ad it’s unlikely the poorer women would be able to afford them. And notice that instead, he emphasises good works- it’s the character of a person that should stand out, not their outward appearance.)
(Yes, I admit some feminists might be put off by the fact that was a male authority figure and for what else he appears to be saying regarding women- but the understanding that last part is debated even by those who hold to the Bible as divinely inspired and authoritative in its entirity, so I would rather not focus on that!)
I never liked that phrase. It sounds so lame. Why can’t we just tell girls to dress modestly to avoid being objectified, instead of telling them that they will look the hottest if they dress modestly? Good article.
Can we discuss the issues in thinking that if someone isn’t dressing “modestly” then they are dressing “too sexually” or “slutty”? Although one might be the exact opposite of the other, there is a lot of room between the two on a continuum. Just because you are wearing shorts above your knees or a tank top that shows your shoulders, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re dressing in a way that is over-sexualized. Living in Utah, I’ve felt the ramifications of some people’s interpretations of dressing modestly as a “right” and “moral” way to live. Wearing sleeveless shirts has earned me comments aimed at shaming me and even a discussion on how I’m being a bad influence on an 8-year old who wanted to wear a similar sleeveless tank top (full strap, not even a spaghetti strap tank top). I think it’s problematic when modesty versus over-sexualization is seen as a black and white issue when there are clearly different shades of modesty dressing. I appreciate this article a lot because it is blurring the black and white lines of modest dressing and it’s creating a space for a productive conversation. I hope we can teach our young girls what this article is saying, especially that our bodies are not sinful and therefore need to be covered up but rather we should teach them to think about how their dress makes them feel.
I think this sums up nicely some of what you are discussing here. Sexualization can also be part of viewing the world through the “male gaze.” I suspect modesty, in some part, is not attracting that gaze but being strong in self confidence.
http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/2012/09/guest-post-the-omniscient-breasts-by-kate-elliott/
Excellent article! thank you.
I ind the topic of modesty intriguing but very problematic and what people say about it often infuriating. I live in the UK, and it’s not a concept used only occasionally in relation to specific religious communities (the UK is much more secular of course) but it’s not a mainstream concept. I’m 31 and don’t hand out with teenagers, so I may be ignorant, but I also don’t see the over-sexualisation of young girls to anywhere near the same extent as what people are describing in the US. I do see girls on night outs wearing very short skirts, no tights, strapless tops etc, and I would be lying if I didn’t judge them a little bit in terms of unflatteringness and health (if it’s december, for example), but I honestly never think they do it because they’re ‘desperate for male attention’ and I would certainly never draw conclusions about their sexual behaviour. And I think most people I know see this style of dressing the same way I do.
The thing is, I dress in what could objectively be described as ‘modest’ – I am usually covered completely. But this is due to climate, my laziness with body hair removal, and because I have a visual preference for layering. I would be a bit offended if people thought I was doing it because of some externally imposed standard of dressing designed to protect men from impure thoughts. I hate the reductive mechanistic view of human desire this implies. I think people’s sexuality is a bit more complex than boobs=dirty thoughts! And it really really bothers me that it’s only ever about men’s desires while looking at women. No one ever talks about women looking at men.
I’ve written a number of posts about this actually:
http://www.oranges-and-apples.com/2010/01/modest-dressing.html
http://www.oranges-and-apples.com/2010/10/modesty-again-i-just-dont-get-it.html
http://www.oranges-and-apples.com/2011/07/on-going-out-clothes-and-sexual.html
http://www.oranges-and-apples.com/2011/11/ffb-appearance-attractiveness-and-gender-differences.html
I’ll add my two cents from an Islamic perspective, since I see religious views have entered the conversation. Contrary to the stereotype of a male-imposed dress code, Muslim women dress modestly for their own benefit: for their own focus and liberation from society’s constant pressures. No one can force her to dress modestly, however, as it is a personal decision that reflects a certain mindset. To say that religion asks women to cover because without covering properly, men are excused and are allowed to rape or degrade women is a weak and hugely problematic argument. It implies that men have no self-control.
Islam unequivocally demands that a man is responsible for not ogling women or viewing them as sex objects, no matter what she wears. It is this understanding of both genders that I find complete. I’ve read through academic papers and scholarly writings that assume (what I find to be) an unbalanced approach to the problem of sexualization. It takes a holistic commitment from both genders to make a healthy society. One where a woman’s dress reflects her desire to be seen in a professional and respectful manner, and one where a man does not sexually degrade woman, even if her clothes lacks in taste or class. And God knows best what’s in everyone’s hearts.
Salam/Shalom to you, Sarah! Yes to everything you said, I’m Jewish. Like Islam, we have varying degrees of observance of laws of tznius (modesty/appropriateness). There are laws of tznius for men and women to follow, as I understand Islam has as well (for us, men must cover their knees, depending on strictness some men always wear pants, some wear longer shorts on occasion…it depends. Some will also never wear short sleeves, but I’m not sure if that’s a law or just custom.). Men are not to look at women (other than their wives) lustfully. This includes those who aren’t dressed tznius. It’s not all on the women. If a man is looking at a woman sexually, it’s his problem (if she’s not his wife. With husbands and wives, almost anything is okay), no matter how she’s dressed. What I think a lot of people fail to understand is that dressing a certain way is us exercising autonomy–I choose to cover my body this way or that. It’s not “Oh poor oppressed women!” There are many more laws dictating how a man is to conduct himself around women and how to treat women properly than there are laws dictating how women should dress. I think that says something right there.
in reply to Batya & Sarah as well: I appreciate the perspectives both of you have offered, and I think the way that Sarah has expressed the Islamic viewpoint is how many Orthodox Jewish women look at modest dress. However I think there is a danger that’s being overlooked. When modesty in dress becomes a norm (a socially, if not religiously, mandated rule) then along with it seems to come the idea that all of the responsibility is on the woman, as though we have the power to control men’s minds and they don’t. The implication that men do not have self-control then becomes accepted as fact. I see this in strict Orthodox Jewish communities, and it seems to be the message of the strictest Muslim societies as well. In both Judaism and Islam, there are those who blame the victim when a rape occurs (in the Old Testament, there is a law that if a woman is raped in a city she is put to death. In some Muslim and Christian communities in the Middle East, honor killings still occur after a woman has been raped). I think there are two distinct ways to look at modest dress in both communities and what it says about men and women, and understanding that both extremes (high levels of respect for women and very low levels of respect for women, even going as far as blaming the victim) can be linked to how the subject of modesty is understood and discussed. It can either elevate or denigrate. And i believe that’s part of the message of this post. A dress code isn’t as important as the internal attitudes.
Hi, I was very intrigued by this article. Particularly the assertion that there is power in modesty. You had mentioned it was a research-driven assertion. I was hoping for a reference there?
Hi Tiffany! We wrote about it in the post here: If modesty is a concept you subscribe to, there is great power in changing the modesty conversation from what you LOOK like to others to what you FEEL like inside. Studies on the epidemic of self-objectification show us that “clothing represents an important contributor to the body and emotional experience of contemporary young women” because body-bearing clothing leads to greater states of self-objectification, body shame, body dissatisfaction, and negative mood (the latest study of this kind was just published in May 2012’s Sex Roles academic journal). What this tells us (and what our own experience living in female bodies tells us is a no-brainer) is that when we wear clothing that is revealing or emphasizing our parts, we become very self-aware of those parts that are being looked at. We self-objectify and are in a near-constant state of adjusting our clothing, fixating on what we look like, and looking at other people looking at us. It’s OK to like being looked at, and even to like attention from others for our looks, but if it’s getting in the way of progress, happiness, and health — as so much research confirms that it is — we’ve got to move on to being more than an object to be looked at. Research shows a level of modesty can be an important tool in safe-guarding ourselves and our daughters from being in a constant state of self-objectification.
Reading this article, it brought me back to my teens and twenties. I’ve always been a fairly modest dressing person, with occassional non-modest outfits for parties or dancing at clubs. What I remembered was how much I thought about my appearance – always adjusting my clothes to make sure my skin/fat/rolls didn’t show. That makes me think that the WHOLE clothing thing is more about the greater attention that we place on women’s looks – and increasingly (or always) really everyone’s looks – I’m sure you could find a (formerly) overweight male who felt the same way I did growing up.
For me the issue was never about viewing myself as a sex object, but rather wanting to make sure I wasn’t an object of disgust, or a body that would attract being made fun of – which is really what I was trying to avoid. At that point in my life I would have loved to have the smooth, skinny body to wear revealing clothes – because it would mean I wasn’t ashamed of my body.
Dressing modestly or not doesn’t really give a person (at least in current US society) the ability to focus on the mind, the talent, the personality, etc. It’s more a matter at this point of self-esteem, feeling confident in your body and person. I’m at the point now as a 30-something where I’m more comfortable in my skin (although not 100%). I don’t wear makeup because I just don’t want to, I don’t usually shave my legs, and in general I wear modest clothes because it’s comfortable and I don’t have to worry about something inappropriate “popping” out. I still adjust my clothing to ensure my skin/fat/rolls aren’t showing or at least showing as much, so I still have a ways to go before just focusing on my inner self.
I’m trying to work harder on appreciating my body for what it does for me – and trying to learn to love myself more so that my daughter will grow up learning to love her body and herself for who she is and the good things her body can do.
It’s a challenge for sure!
I noticed something recently about the way I greet little girls and, honestly, it shocked me that I had never noticed it before. Every time I met a new little girl I always said, “Oh, how pretty you are!” in an effort to boost her self-confidence. Then it hit me “BAM” I am teaching her to build her confidence based on her looks – why on earth would I want to set her up like that when she is six years old? So I now make a conscious choice when I meet a little girl to say, “HI Sweetie! I bet you’re a really smart girl…can you tell me about a book you have been reading lately?” All of the sudden conversations open up and I’ve made a connection with something much deeper than the usual “What cute shoes you have on today.”
I never thought about that. Wow. Thanks for sharing that!
This article *almost* came off, as prude-shame like. If anybody remotely sounds like they’re criticizing someone for dressing too revealing they’re accused of slut shaming but if someone criticize a girl for dressing too modestly than that’s noo way that’s shaming someone for their looks.
If a girl want to dress revealingly she is empowered but if a girl feels comfortable expressing herself modestly then there must be something wrong with her, she must be a prude, she must be a slut shamer, she’s jealous, insecure of how all the boys like me instead.
I like how this article shows that regardless of what we wear no one has a right to judge who we are on our looks but out of all the blog posts on the Internet telling others to back off on the “sluts” it would refreshing to see some telling others to back off on the “prudes”.
Wow. This article was so enlightening and definitely opened up my eyes to the reality of all this modest talk, and how much we let others opinions of us affect what we do. It definitely hit home for me, even from the being afraid to raise our hands in class. Beautiful message.
You women want to not be seen as eye candy, but you want to be able to wear anything you want. Until we evolve our primate/reptilian part of our brain, which will be some day (new era for humans), men just won’t respect a women who dresses with a lot of skin showing. It’s just not going to happen. When a man sees that, immediately he lusts after it. When a woman sees a mans chest, she lusts after it (I’m being general, there are always exceptions in some cases one might not be attracted ect.). You want to be less oppressed, but there always has to be some boundary. Better to be respectably modest, because otherwise you fools will never be deemed anything else.
I’m offended that just because someone wants to be more covered, particularly for religious reasons, that must mean they find the female body “sinful and unholy”. My body might not be special to the world, but it is special to me and I don’t feel like just anyone and everyone deserves to look at it. I prefer to dress more modestly because I DO think the female body is beautiful and special. I also don’t think that just because you care about your appearance that you must be an unintelligent underachiever. Give me a break.
Kristin, please re-read the post! We’re with you on all points. I never said anything about a woman wanting to be covered, particularly for religious reasons, being “sinful or unholy”! In fact, this post was all about the importance of modesty for the individual. From the post: “Research shows a level of modesty can be an important tool in safe-guarding ourselves and our daughters from being in a constant state of self-objectification.” And caring about your appearance definitely doesn’t make you an unintelligent overachiever, which was never even alluded to. This foundation is called “Beauty Redefined” because beauty needs to be something so much more all-encompassing than media would have us believe it is. To us, beauty is happy and important and so much more than what we see it defined as.
Beauty Redefined, there’s a reason she quoted “sinful and unholy”. It came directly from your article referencing churches that teach modesty as teaching it so women would cover their “sinful and unholy” bodies. If you don’t understand why someone would extend that to people who choose to dress modestly for religious purposes then perhaps you should get to know more religious people before writing about them again.
Here are two new words for why churches may be teaching what they teach: special and sacred. Some churches believe that when things are special or sacred they should be protected and not just available for anyone who may not value their sacred nature. It’s like the idea of not casting your pearls before swine. Sex is not “sinful and unholy”. So why do we keep it hidden? Because it’s sacred. My church has sacred ordinances that we perform, and only those with a recommend are allowed to view them. Why? Because it’s sacred. It’s special. Those things aren’t things that should be common or ordinary and available to just anyone. The female body isn’t ordinary. It’s special. So is the male body. That’s why my church holds men to the same standards of modesty as women. (This is just how my church views it. I’m not saying everyone has to think this way.)
You don’t have to believe in my religion (LDS) or any religion at all. I just hope that maybe before you remark on what churches teach and why, you actually do some research into the churches that teach it. While my church has members and yes, an occasional misguided leader, that teach modesty as something that is “helping men” it is NOT what the church itself teaches.
https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/dress-and-appearance?lang=eng
If you read this link you will notice a lack of the words sex and sexual. That’s not what all churches believe. I would also like to point out that unless it specifically states one gender or the other, it’s referring to both. I hope this can provide more insight into the subject. I also hope this can also help more members of my church teach this principle correctly.
Nikki,
Thank you for stating what your church teaches! Again, if you re-read the post, you will see we NEVER claim that is gospel teaching in any specific church: “Many discussions of modesty, from diverse cultural or religious perspectives, revolve around the idea of keeping sinful and unholy female bodies and body parts from the gaze of others — particularly men. This privileges the male gaze, in a backward sort of way, and puts females at a disadvantage for being the ones in control of what others think or feel when seeing their bodies. When we speak of modesty strictly in terms of covering our bodies from the sexual gaze of others, we are keeping the level of discourse at the shallow waters of women and girls as bodies alone.”
We stand by this statement. Many discussions of modesty DO leave it at the shallow waters of women as bodies to be covered. Of course we would never call out any specific church for what it believes and bash it. If you know anything about us, you’d know were are deeply spiritual and deeply religious, which is what drives all we do at this nonprofit.
So please, re-read the post, and direct your anger elsewhere. This post also aligns perfectly with LDS doctrine and helps get individuals attempting to teach modesty somewhere so much deeper and more helpful for the females AND males listening.