If “Beauty is Pain,” is it Worth This Much Suffering?
I was assigned to interview someone for a research methods class. It was supposed to be that simple. I randomly chose a 22-year-old friend who has always appeared confident, outgoing and strikingly beautiful. I quickly realized this conversation could not have been more timely, powerful and heart-wrenching. I know I was recording our talk for a greater purpose than a grade and her story gave a brave, aching voice to the feelings of many. This post is dedicated to my friend ”T” and the countless others who have shared her pain in the pursuit of “beauty.” – Lexie
After brief introductions…
L: So my next question is a pretty broad one: How do you feel about your body?
T: Ha! Oh wow. That’s a loaded question. I…(long pause) I don’t even know where to start…ummm…it depends on the day, but…umm I, just feel…ugh, I don’t like it…I don’t…(long pause)….I just don’t feel like I will ever reach the expectations of perfection around.
L: Whose expectations are these?
T: Definitely men’s. And women’s. I feel like when I walk down the street or at work that people are staring at me and, honestly, I feel like everybody is thinking “She probably shouldn’t even be seen out.”
L: So you talk about other people’s expectations but what are your expectations for your body? Are they the same as what you believe other peoples’ are? Or different?
T: Ummm, I do have very high expectations for my body. The problem is that I have so much fat on my thighs and butt that I will never meet those expectations. And I have come to terms with it, however, I do realize that there are areas that will never be what I want… Like I love to run all the time, but when I run my thighs flap and it hurts! I wish that never happened!
L: So when I asked you that first broad question about how you feel about your body – why do you think you spoke to me about how your body looks as opposed to how it works?
T: Because, I guess, ummm, when it boils down to it…how it looks is more important than how it functions… because, when I’m running, as bad as it hurts, I’m even more concerned about what it all looks like (voice cracks from pushing back tears).
L: When you say you want to work out but your skin flaps, are you using that as –
T: (Interrupting) – More to justify me going to see a plastic surgeon.
L: Oh, OK! Wow. So tell me about that. You want to go see a plastic surgeon?
T: Yes – I’m going to. If anything, just to see what they will say about my thighs. I carry my weight in my lower half and I have lots of skin on my thighs from weight loss and gain. Honestly, for me, I don’t demand perfection. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and I’d like to have my love handles gone and my thighs…I want to be tight!
L: So can you tell me the first time you remember feeling self-conscious about your body?
T: That would have to be when I was – I believe 7 years old. We were in my uncle’s kitchen and I was standing there with my cousins and we were comparing ourselves and I was thin then, but I was solid because I was an active child and they were lifting me and they could NOT believe how much I weighed! They were like “holy crap!” and then…ummm….I felt kind of worthless. And I…(long silence)…I think turned to food and the weight just poured on me. My family was really hard on me – they expected the best. My mom always had me on a diet. She was always on a diet, too. She’s always been negative about her body. Always. And my body, too.
L: Ugh I’m so sorry. You’ve definitely been hurt by others’ comments. So how have YOU reprimanded yourself when you feel bad about the way your body looks?
T: I… well for many years I guess I….had eating disorders. Ummm for the past three years they got really out of control. I lost a ton of weight because of it. I have a heart condition now, borderline diabetes…I nearly killed myself because of it.
L: And you mentioned you are going to talk to a plastic surgeon? Tell me more about that.
T: Ya ummm, I thought a lot about this. I’ve gone back and forth. I’m not the type of person to take the easy way out. But that I am 22. (Begins tearing up). Nobody deserves to look like this. To have to go through life looking like this and not even being able to date because you’re not comfortable in your own skin. I’m not going in for Double D boobs. I’m not going in for a nose job. I’m going in to remove something that is a burden in my life.
L: What if you you met and fell in love with a man who loved you and you stood in front of him naked and heard him say: “I am so attracted to you and to your body.” I see a million guys able to say that! If you could see that would you still have this work done?
T: Right now, yes. Just because for me, it’s…I mean, that’s awesome that he feels that way, but I don’t feel that way. I don’t feel worthy for anyone to love me like this. I don’t think anybody could. I know that sounds ridiculous but I believe that.
L: It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. I want to read this quote by a famous scholar from the 70s and hear your thoughts: “Men act and women appear. Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women, but the relation of women to themselves. The surveyor of woman in herself is a male, the surveyed female. Thus, she turns herself into an object.” What does this mean to you?
T: That I’m not even counting my personality or who I truly am. I’m viewing myself as a piece of meat. (Begins crying). I’ve learned to do that from everything. The media. My mom. The way my mom and hers view themselves. It’s the way everybody sees themselves now.
Interview Ends. Here is my response for “T” and the millions her brave voice represents:
I hear your pain and I know your pain. I do this work to give voice to the feelings we have that we don’t always have words for and I pray that new, knowledgeable voices can be more powerful than the harmful ones we hear too often. We’ve grown up in a world where the voices we hear from ever-present media, strangers, and even our own family members mix with those inside our heads to form painful beliefs about our bodies: “You are not worthy of being loved looking like that.” “You’re gross, why did you leave your house today?” “Stop running – your thighs are jiggling!” The list goes on for days. And the answer: “Beauty is painful, get to work!”
These messages have become so normal for us, our loved ones, and the strangers we pass on the street that we hardly take time to question them. No wonder we believe these 
painful lies! You’ve seen the billboards telling you to enhance your chest and make those “lemons into lemonade.” You’ve heard the radio ads selling laser liposuction and “body contouring” during your lunch break. You’ve seen the magazines selling sex appeal lining the grocery store aisles. You’ve seen the TV shows teaching how drastic weight loss is what qualifies you for marriage (“Bridal Bootcamp,” “Shedding for the Wedding,” etc.). You’ve seen the movies that exclusively feature ideally, thin, tall, women as the only happy and desirable ones. You’ve seen the way your favorite shows, movies, and magazines zoom in on parts of women’s bodies and pan up and down those parts. You’ve seen women-only stores claiming to empower you in the most disempowering ways. NO WONDER so many women believe such dangerous lies about their bodies. Research backs up the fact that “T” isn’t alone in her feelings: Being exposed to all these media messages listed has been shown to encourage females to view themselves primarily from an 
outsider’s perspective, hate their own bodies, and endorse media messages that objectify women’s bodies (APA, 2010; Strahan et al., 2008; Zurbirggen & Morgan, 2006).
TODAY is the day to stop selling yourself short by believing you are only your body. Objectifying yourself is never a path to true happiness, despite what you’ve heard your whole life.
If you’re a Beauty Redefined follower, you know by now that all these media outlets, beauty, weight loss and cosmetic surgery industries make billions off female insecurity. They know if they teach us from childhood that female happiness, power and our ability to be loved lies in how we look, then they’ve got customers for life – a customer who will fight a lifelong battle walking down the halls believing people are disgusted by her, who will tell and show her daughters they are “too fat” from their earliest memories, who will believe unless she has been surgically tucked, sucked, and enhanced, that she’ll be unloveable forever.
My heart aches for every girl and woman who believes these “beauty is pain” lies. I fight these lies every day, too. And I know the power in understanding these messages are LIES is one of the most vital actions we can take to find real happiness, power and confidence.
When we recognize the pain we cause to ourselves and the pain we experience in the name of beauty, we can begin to fight back. Have you ever binged, purged, or starved yourself? Have you or someone you know experienced life with an eating disorder? Have you had or considered liposuction? Breast enhancement? A thigh lift? Botox? Collagen injections? Have you ever stayed home from socializing because you weren’t happy with your looks? Have you ever skipped a work out because you felt self-conscious about your body? Have you ever secretly bought diet pills, laxatives, or diuretics to take weight off fast? These are all ways that we come to see “constraining, enslaving, and even murderous” conditions as “liberating, transforming, and life-giving,” as scholar Susan Bordo put it. Have you believed these “beauty is pain” lies and constrained your true happiness and worth?
If you want to take up the lifelong fight against these lies, the time to start is NOW. We know the Beauty Redefined project is powerful because we offer vital strategies to recognize and reject harmful ideals. Use and share these strategies with all you know and love. Let’s start believing the truth! Let’s step back into reality and find authentic paths to happiness and love that do not lead us to swipe our credit card, lie on an operating table, or skip our next meal. Here are a few ways to start now:
- Tell the Truth: When you think a nice thought about someone in your life – stranger or loved one – tell them. Do not ever hold back. Now that you realize how many negative messages we hear each day, counteract those lies! Choose to compliment the girls and women in your life for character traits, actions or talents you admire about them. The compliments that stick with you for a lifetime are those that acknowledge your valuable qualities, like a good attitude, selflessness, talents, honesty and so much more that has nothing to do with a cute outfit or pretty hair (those are nice too!).
- Go on a Media Fast: Choose a day, a week, a month, or longer to steer clear of as much media as you can. That way, you can see how your life is different without all those messages and images, and when you return to viewing and reading popular
media, you will be more sensitive to the messages that hurt you and those that are unrealistic. (And on a personal note, I moved to a new house this month and spent two weeks without TV of any kind. I found I was much less focused on my appearance than the month before and genuinely more happy with what I did see when I looked in the mirror. I promise!) - Be a Positive Example: Research and real-life experience make it clear that when women and girls speak negatively about their bodies and their appearance, they negatively impact those around them. That goes for women talking about themselves in hateful ways in front of their children and family members, girls that degrade themselves in front of their friends, or any other time a woman or girl says awful things about herself in front of anyone near. Start today with a goal that you will never again say something negative about your appearance aloud, and soon the negative self-talk that floats through your mind will become less and less prevalent, too.
- Stick it to the man! The joy you feel when you slap a sticky note with a phrase like “If beauty hurts, we’re doing it wrong!” on a magazine, TV screen, or bathroom mirror is awesome. We’ve got a whole bunch of colorful, happy messages you can stick wherever you’d like and greeting cards you can send to those you know and love. We’d be thrilled to send you some- find them here!
- Help us spread the word: As of November 2011, we have the chance to put up one of our groundbreaking billboards on the Pennsylvania Turnpike because of an incredibly generous sign owner with young daughters. You can help us post our purple billboard that says “If beauty hurts, we’re doing it wrong” on that prominent interstate by donating HERE.
- And for many more ways to fight back, see: Strategies for Girls & Women and Strategies for Boys & Men
By Lexie Kite, 2011.
Wow! Thank you for this post! I am so pained by the interview with “T”. I feel her pain, and I validate it, because I’ve felt like that so much during my life!!! I have made it a point to stay away from people that have made me feel like I am worth nothing because of my body (which has happened a couple of times O_o) people that are supposed to be your friends and objectify you and make you feel like the lowest of the low (Of course now I understand that they are prey to the media as well). For a long time I also felt as if I needed to feel the pain to be able to see the ‘results’. Which for me was eating 700 calories a day and working out seven times a week. Now I wonder where the heck I got the energy to do that back then!!! But of course, I was no more than a cadaver! I weighed no more than 105 pounds at 5’8” and that was the standard I went by! When I gained healthy weight (after I was collapsing everywhere) I thought I was HUGE! (because a man in my life told me so at the time) How sad is that?! I feel SO BAD for all the girls that are falling for all this crap!
I love this. I nearly teared up reading what “T” had to say. I spent a lot of time feeling inadequate and ugly too, and I wish I had that time back. I saw your presentation over a year ago and have been following you on facebook, and I can honestly say that I’ve been making a more conscious effort to love and appreciate my body. I used to get mad at my body for the way it looked. Now, when I get mad at it it’s usually for the way it works- like when I get appendicitis or a really nasty cold- things that prevent me from LIVING the way I want to, not just LOOKING the way I want to.
I think it’s natural for people to want to feel beautiful and take care of their bodies. I just wish that didn’t get somehow mixed up into looking anorexic, pore-free, and generally alien-like.
Thanks for the work you’re doing- I love reading your articles.
Another great post. I really liked the part where you told her “What if you you met and fell in love with a man who loved you and you stood in front of him naked and heard him say: ‘I am so attracted to you and to your body.’ I see a million guys able to say that!” I just got married on Saturday and my husband basically said just that. I didn’t lose a single pound before my wedding, and I don’t care! I have definitely felt like “T” many times, but I am trying hard to accept myself the way I am and not the way I’m “supposed” to be. It’s all about being healthy and not about the number on the scale.
It is interesting that so many women would still want to change themselves after hearing their partner say that, Mindy. I have had to catch myself when I say, “I’m doing this for me, not anyone else…” but in truth, I’m doing something because I feel like I have to in order to be loved, successful, etc. I hope T can gain some peace and happiness. I know it’s hard but it’s an ongoing process.
I loved this!! As a mother of 2 young daughters I’ve already made myself a promise that I WILL be that positive influence on my girls. If they see me being positive that will send them a strong message and I KNOW that! I believe so strongly in the work you are doing and I appreciate it so much. It’s scary thinking of the world my daughters are going into and it makes me feel better knowing these GREAT influences on women and girls are out there too!!
I feel so bad, knowing that women do this to themselves, seeing themselves as meat, flesh, a thing. I can’t help the fact that this is what girls do, that when I look at them they look at themselves being watched. It’s simply going to happen. I wish it wasn’t so negative though. There’s so much that women see wrong with themselves that guys don’t even notice, in appearance. Take celulite for example: Who on earth came up with that term? The word itself is at least a hundred times worse than what it actually represents. It’s no wonder it makes girls feel self conscious, thinking of something that’s a part of them by such an ugly name. We need a new name for that stuff, or we could do even better to just forget it altogether because most guys don’t care. Why seek such perfection…if it can be called that? There’s no point in it. Many guys even like when a woman has a little extra around the waist or thighs. I have my own likes and dislikes, just as any guy does. I don’t always like what another guy likes, and they in turn don’t always like what I like. Appearance is momentary. It is gone from “Hello.” This is why I like to read these “Beauty Redefined” pieces, because it makes it clear to everyone that there is more to a woman’s existance than what she looks like, and more for men and parents to do as well in being conscious of what is helpful and what is not for that fragile area of the female psychi. I wish more girls saw themselves and eachother for what lies beneath the flesh. It seems often that they can only accomplish this when looking at men, to see a man for what lies beneath his flesh. They wish the man could do this when looking at them, but even when the man can and does, they feel unworthy of this perspective, as “T” said of herself, so the problem remains within her, not truly being reliant upon how others view her at all. The fact still remains that agreeing with her negativity about herself is detrimental and should be avoided, but hopefully more girls can accomplish what this Amanda in the comments has done from listening to these positive messages. I see no reason to even hate one’s own body for what apparent flaws it may have in it’s functionality, but at least it’s healthier and characterizes more realistic goals than those of appearance, the ever changing, ellusive, falsely attributed comfort many seek after.
I wish I had a dime for every time my husband’s told me I’m beautiful. I’d be wealthy.
I probably wouldn’t believe that either.
The thing is, I’m starting to believe him.
He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to help me believe that I am beautiful. Regardless of what I look like.
And I need to be healthy so that my body will do what I want instead of succumbing to the call of the couch. I need to work off the weight I’ve gained telling myself I’m not pretty enough. You can’t “lose” weight. I hate that phrase. (You just misplaced your weight???)
You work it off. Hard work.
I just have to know that the extra healthy years are going to be SO worth it.
I love all of these articles and the work you two ladies are doing SO much! I have been on my own path of turning from self-loathing to self-loving for about 4 years now and so much of what has been on this website and the research you are doing is EXACTLY how I think and feel. I spent my whole life until I was 21 hating myself because I come no where near close to the physical ideal all these influences mentioned tell me I should be. I still remember the day I realized I was bigger than most of my friends. I was on a “diet” of some kind from about age 5 til age 21. It was horrible! My whole life changed when I spent a summer doing research on families in Seattle with a group of 20 students from BYU. I was with a group of people I admired so much and you know what? – they admired me too. They loved me for who I was – not how I looked. They showed me who I am and helped me recognize my good qualities. I never knew who I was – I only knew how I looked. This group of friends completely changed my life. I have not “dieted” since. I have tried to eat healthy so I can do what I want to, not so I can fit into a smaller size. While before I couldn’t think of any good qualities, I know have a huge list of things I LOVE about myself. It’s a complete change from how I used to be and I love it. It breaks my heart to see other people I know (and don’t know!) go through the same pain I used to. I try so hard to help them in the way my wonderful friends helped me.
Just like you say, we are all worth SO much more than being looked at!! (I have that written on my bathroom mirror for a daily reminder). Though I think I do pretty good at practicing many of the things y’all write about, I keep pretty silent about them. What I got out of this article was that I need to speak up!! What good is my progress if I don’t help others as well? When I hear someone talk badly about their appearance, I am going to try to call them out on it! Because they probably do not realize the effect it has on them, or on others. I am going to try harder to spread this understanding of how harmful it is to accept the media’s lie that we have to be skinny and hott to have any worth. Who you are defines your worth, not what you look like! Thanks ladies, for the positive reminders and all the hard work you do! It’s spreading! (I’m certainly spreading it – I’m in school to be a marriage and family therapist – I recommend people to visit this website ALL the time!)
thank you. I recently lost 30lbs, and was so sorely disappointed. I expected to feel fulfilled and con tent, but I have found myself even more apprehensive about how I compare to others and standards. I am glad that I am healthier, more active, but what frightens me sometimes is that I don’t see an end. I can’t see when and if I will ever be worthy of happiness. This reminded me I am seeking it in the wrong places.